I’ve had chronic nightmares spanning my entire life. For as long as I’ve been dreaming, I’ve been having nightmares. And November, especially over the past fourteen years or so, has been a particularly nightmare-ridden month. I spend much of my Novembers sleep-deprived and glum.
November 2021 has been no different in that regard. Halloween was a-okay and then November hit and blammo — no sleep. Or bad sleep when I do sleep.
It’s a minor complaint in the grand scheme of things, I suppose. And, much like watching horror movies, I’m well aware from a logical standpoint that what’s “on screen” in my brain during my nightmares isn’t real and can’t actually hurt me… But it’s still a gosh-darned drag and trying to get anything done when you’re unrested is extremely difficult.
However, while I would much rather not have chronic nightmares and all my other PTSD-related symptoms stemming from various traumatic experiences, I do believe they’ve served a purpose in my life. And, dare I say, contributed to one of my life’s best miracles.
“Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?”
I mentioned in my last post that a few of my friends have been going through it lately. Like… whew. Good gosh please pray for my poor pals if you’re the praying kind! Or just send some Good Vibes out into the Universe or something.
My mind plagues me with nightmares (my brain’s unwelcome untimely attempts at “creative writing/filmmaking” combined with reruns/flashbacks of real-life past events I’d rather forget), but my friends — and maybe you? — have been living nightmares.
The biggie question that keeps coming up has been “Why do bad things happen to good people?”
I have no answer to that. I don’t think anyone really does. So, I won’t even try to tackle that one.
But I will try to discuss these related, but ever-so-slightly smaller, questions I’ve been asked the past few weeks:
- “Do you believe in miracles?”
- “Can any good come from something so horrible?”
I do, indeed, believe in miracles (though my definition of what constitutes a “miracle” may not be the same as yours) and I absolutely 1000% believe wonderful things can be born from awful situations (though that doesn’t make the awful thing any less awful).
Stick with me for a few minutes and I’ll share how my lifelong chronic nightmares had a “butterfly effect” on the rest of my life, contributing to a personal miracle.
Baku: The Nightmare Eater
Dreamcatchers are extremely pretty and I admire the craftsmanship involved, but they do bupkis for nixing my nightmares. And warm cow milk gave me too many stomach cramps and butt toots to be considered relaxing. And no matter how many times I lovingly poured over the pages of Wil Huygen and Rien Poortvliet’s The Book of the Sandman and the Alphabet of Sleep, I just couldn’t seem to unlock the secret to sweet talking the Sandman into giving me the good stuff.
No, I needed to fight my internal monsters… with monsters!
As you may already be aware, horror is a special interest of mine. And while I had martial arts training and the idea of going all lucid “Dream Warrior” on my personal Freddy Kruegers had a lot of appeal, it’s rough mustering up the strength to be that badass when I’m already exhausted.
So, my attention turned from Western dream lore to the East. Namely, Baku: The Nightmare Eater.
If you’re familiar with Yokai Watch or Pokemon (Drowzee), then you’re likely already a bit familiar with Baku. However, as a young teen, I got to know Baku via discussing horror/monsters with my friends.
Most of my friends growing up were Filipino; but, while they did share some stories of homeland creatures such as Batibat (essentially a Filipino sleep paralysis demon), many of my pals had an interest in Asian cultures outside of their own — namely a keen interest in the Japanese.
That ^ is a Photoshop I did of myself when I was seventeen. Oof. Once again, I’m left wondering, how exactly did it take over thirty years for someone to figure out I’m autistic…?
Anyway, thanks to my friends (as well my mom’s mangas + video games and my dad’s movies + toys), I learned quite a bit about Yokai — which can mean a great many things but is generally used as an umbrella term for supernatural entities from Japan. Spirits and monsters, good or bad.
Baku is a yokai who feasts on nightmares. You can summon Baku to devour your nightmares by chanting its name three times and asking it for help. I was originally told “Baku, Baku, Baku: Please eat my dreams” but others have since said “Baku-san, come eat my dream” (x3) is more widely used.
Neither was effective in reality, but my friends who were familiar with my nightmare issues would give me lil pep talks in which they claimed I had powers over the Dream realm and had a pet Baku that I’d do battle with. It cheered me up.
Baku Is a Tapir
As a yokai, Baku is typically described as being a hodgepodge creature — a beast created from the parts what were leftover after all the other creatures were made. The trunk of an elephant, the body of a bear, the ears of a hamster, the eyes of a rhino, the feet of a tiger with the hoofed toes of a zebra… You get the idea.
It’s no coincidence that “baku” is also the Japanese word for “tapir.”
Brought to my attention by its nightmare-eating counterpart, tapirs have long been my favorite animals to visit at our local zoo (shoutout to my gal Inca!).
So, naturally, I was delighted when tapirs — my nightmare-eating buddies — were given their very own world-wide holiday starting in 2008.
April 27th is World Tapir Day
Fast forward to 2017.
A remote co-worker (nearly 4,000 miles away from me) randomly messages me to kill time during a random standstill at the publication we were working for. He starts off talking about his cats.
I say something along the lines of “Oh! If you love animals, you might be interested to know that today’s World Tapir Day!”
He was interested, entranced by my retention of useless facts and giddy love for obscure holidays.
He also all-caps LOL’d that zoos sometimes have a “URINE DANGER” sign accompanying their tapir exhibits due to the tapir’s ability to piss like a firehouse 7-10 feet behind themselves!
So… He was an animal-lover, he didn’t chew me out for mentioning an unconventional holiday (when I was younger I was verbally abused not once, not twice, but thrice by different people for wishing them a “Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!” and I’d given up on mentioning silly holidays to anyone for years until this particular April 27th), he loved puns/wordplay, he knew about Drowzee being a tapir and loved video games (me too!), and he was very interested in the yokai aspect because he was a horror fanatic and was always keen to learn about monsters (um…same!).
Instant BFFs for life.
That co-worker who randomly started chatting with me on World Tapir Day in 2017 was Frank Spear.
We got married two years later on World Tapir Day — April 27, 2019 — on the anniversary of the day we officially became friends.
It Was a Miracle
Here’s how I see it:
- I was plagued with nightmares for as long as I could remember.
- My nightmares led me to Baku the nightmare-eater.
- Baku led me to tapirs.
- Tapirs led me to World Tapir Day.
- World Tapir Day gave me just the right thing to chat about with a remote co-worker.
- The co-worker turned out to be my soulmate.
- We got married and my now-husband tucks me in each night and helps me with any nightmares I have (which have been far far fewer these days!).
And you might protest “But that’s all just a bunch of random coincidences!”
Yeah? So?
That’s basically what miracles are. “Random” stuff that happens in just the right way to elicit a happy outcome.
The littlest stupidest most horrible things that seem like they have zero purpose in your life… Things like having chronic nightmares since childhood may end with you connecting with the love of your life.
You’ve Survived Your Worst Days (and You Will Again)
It’s sometimes difficult for me to remember this in Nightmare November when I’m sleep-deprived and headache-y… But life really does have a way of always working out. Somehow.
I don’t know what you’re going through right now… But, if you’re here reading this: You’re alive.
You’ve had terrible days in the past and you survived. You’ve survived every single one of your worst days.
You will again.
You’re so brave and so strong. And if you can just keep holding on… All that bad stuff may contribute towards something amazing.
It won’t make what you’re going through now any better. And the memories of this moment in time may be very bittersweet. But your future will be worth it. Eventually.
You’ve got this.
Sweet dreams, Friend. Tomorrow’s a new day. ♥
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